I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like shit. Just the other day I was like god has a plan. Just trust him. Now I just want to put a gun up to my head and pull the fucking trigger. I decided to take a break from Snapchat and instagram. I don’t how long it will last. I know when your dealing with shit you should always talk to someone and not disconnect from people. But I have no energy to deal with any of them, one is always horny, the other just wants attention from me. The rest of my “friends” don’t ever talk to me. The only real friend I have is Jay but I feel bad putting my problems on him. He is already dealing with so much. So I just really don’t understand why I should continue talking to people. I mean sometimes they are fun to talk to but I don’t want to explain what’s going on. They will be worried or not care at all. They will just say, I’m sorry or that sucks. Their not helpful in anyway. And let’s not forget about Logan. He just keeps on friending me on Snapchat. It’s been almost 2 weeks now. You would think he gave up by now. And honestly every time I see that he friended me again it just makes me sad. But I know it was for the best. I wish there was some way I could just leave. Leave this place. I’m tired. I just want an escape. I want to be happy but how am I supposed to be happy when I fear everyday my mom and my stepdad, Jim will start fighting again.

Last Friday was terrible. Jim grabbed mom by the neck. He thrown stuff and even punch a hole in the wall with his head. He made my sisters cry. Anna cried her eyes out that day. He made Alyssa cry, and Caroline. He didn’t even apologize. I’m tried of this. I’m tried of this shit.

They will never know what I really wanted to say. They will never know. all I wanted to say to him was everything. You should of seen the way he looked at me when I told him to leave. But I didn’t even say what I wanted too. I wonder how he would react to me telling him that, this was all nonsense. That none of this is helping anything,  Yelling, screaming, throwing shit, grabbing her. It isn’t helping anything. You can’t force someone to think they way you do. But either way, you have no right to be mad at her. Because when James, his child was being an ass to mom, he didn’t give a shit. When James showed my sister porn, he didn’t give a shit. He was on James side the whole time, so to say mom should be getting mad at Anna for not liking him is out of the question. Teach your son to be respectful, Teach your son not to steal and lie. Before you tell my mom how to raise her child, learn to raise your own.

And yeah I understand he has had a rough childhood. That’s how his parents were. But instead of being like them, learn from them. Learn what made you sad and scared as a child then stop doing it so you won’t traumatize the kids even more. This is just what I think should happen. I know it isn’t going to happen.

I’m to tired for this shit. Last night mom and Jim went on a “walk”. They didn’t return until like 10. We had to feed the kids, get them ready for bed and put them to bed. Which isn’t to bad but we also had Alyssa and she is a pain to put to bed. We had to get up at 5am in the morning.

Friday night shouldn’t of happened. I mean who wants to come home to a dirty house. Then you don’t have anytime to clean because your mom gets home earlier then usual. So now mom is mad that you didn’t clean and on top of that your all sweating balls. You decide to do homework to get it out of the way but as you do Jim comes home pissed. He is yelling and slamming boors. You just wanted to get homework done. You didn’t want any of this to happen. Then Jim starts yelling at mom for whatever reason. You try to turn up your music so you can’t hear it but it’s no use. Then you realize Anna is crying. You start to listen to what they are saying. You realize there fighting because of how Anna is acting towards Jim. You are helpless. Sitting there not knowing what to do. Finally you get the balls to go around Jim and comfort Anna. When you get to Anna you try your best to comfort her. You tell the kids to go upstairs. They all listen but Anna. Then Jim knocks over a shelf, scaring you half to death you hold Anna. Luckily Caroline and Boddy are already upstairs. You tell Anna this is not her fault. To hopefully make her feel better But you know it’s no use telling her that. She isn’t going to believe it. You hear Jim saying he is going to bring Alyssa with him. You bring Alyssa closer to you. So he won’t take her. You hold them Close hoping it will end soon. Finally Jim walks out of the living room. Anna gets up and so do I. I try to bring Anna up stairs but she doesn’t listen. She walks into the dinning room where Jim and mom are fighting. Jim puts his hands on moms neck. Anna starts screaming. I start screaming while also trying to keep Anna a safe distance away from the situation. Mom starts yelling at us to go upstairs. We don’t listen. Why would we? Are stepdad has his hands around our mother’s neck. We just want him to leave. But no matter how loud we yell he doesn’t listen. Finally Layla tells us to go upstairs. We listen to her. But we stand at the edge of the stairs still listening to the fight. Carolina comes over to me and ask me why Jim is being so mean. She ask me if Jim is going to kill mom. I can’t hold my tears back a longer. I start to cry While still trying to answer her question. Finally Anna telling her to go back to the room. Me and Anna huge. She tells me it’s will be alright. We both question that. I feel Alyssa pull my pants. I look down at her. She is about to cry. “I’m scared” she says. I get down on my knees and huge her. “It’s alright. Daddy is just a little mad.” I say to comfort her. She is only 2 years old. She shouldn’t have to deal with this.